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The Rise of Skywalker – One 40 Something’s ‘Obsessed Fanboy’ pre-release thoughts…

No one likes an ‘I told you so’, so let’s get the unpleasant bit out of the way.

I told you so.

Back in Feb 2018, whilst I was still suffering TLJ-PTSD after witnessing Rian Johnson’s torrid calamity of disappointment, I wrote this. In it, I told you the only possible reason Kathleen Kennedy had shat on my expectations. I told you why she’d destroyed my child hero. I told you Leia was in fact ‘The Last Jedi’ and that Luke had to die, purely so Kathleen Team-Vagina Kennedy could end a saga she didn’t start, or even ever fall in love, without the male characters any of us ever gave a toss about.

Now don’t get me wrong, this ain’t about feminism. I’m a big fan of equality, we’re ALL the same underneath #rainbow. I just thought Luke’s death was a f**king insult to anyone who’d been waiting 40 years to see him and think the reason they HAD to shoe horn it in was even worse. You lot all thought I was just another drunken Jawa however, staggering around the cantina making stuff up.

And I guess I was, kinda, until last week that is, when Carrie Fisher’s brother Todd (good old Todd) told Yahoo Entertainment: “She was going to be the last Jedi, so to speak. People used to say to me, ‘Why is it that Carrie never gets a lightsaber and chops up some bad guys,’” the article goes on to say “Leia would have wielded her own lightsaber in the original version of the film, but after her death, Abrams was forced to abandon that idea and work with previously unused footage”.

I flippin’ knew it!

So, if I was right about that, maybe some of my other crazy ideas aren’t so bad either? (I warn you, they are…) These aren’t spoilers unless they actually happen and, to be honest, most of them are just bonkers! But I guess there should be some kind of spoiler warning? So how about this… If you’re a psychic-force-user and can tell that I, unlike my father before me, also have the power, then don’t any further. Everyone else is fine, because I’m literally just making shit up and probably just got lucky last time too 🙂

Just remember… I was right last time 😉

SPECULATIVE SPOILER WARNING – brace yourself.

Rey’s a clone. So was Anakin. They were both part of the same experiment Palpatine set out way before Episode I was even a glint in George’s bank balance. They could both be clones of Paply… (flashback cameos of Darth Plagueis the Wise and/or Master Sifo Dyas back in the day, anyone?) There’s at least one more Rey clone knocking around (Dark Rey ooooh!) and maybe even a clone of Anakin. Hayden’s gonna be in it one way or another, mark my speculative words! Oh, and Palpatine himself is a clone too, or at least one of them is? The Sheev we all thought died at the one-good-hand of Darth Lord Anni Anakin Chosen-One Vader, could have been a clone all along. Who knows? With clones ‘nobody is every truly gone’.   (See what I did there?)   F**k it. Everyone’s a clone in TROS. Even “Storm’s coming Anni’ woman will be back and there’s at least 6 3PO’s. Free Episode II Padme clone with every cinema ticket purchased, result!

There’s gonna be time travel too. JJ loves that shit and Star Wars Rebels has also explored it in recent years. Rey and Kylo are going to continue their off/on relationship (yawn), attempting to switch each other over to their side of the force. One of them’s gonna die and Ezra Bridger (of Rebel’s fame) could be Striking Back with that Sith Holocron he picked up with via his buddy and now ‘Ex-Darth’, Maul… or was it his brother, Savage? Meh, those Dathomirian Sith Lords all look alike to me.

Expect an epic -at-f**king-last- lightsaber battle and one of the 3PO clones is going to die and convince us all that the new cast – one he’s barely interacted with – are way better friends than the old, dead, expensive ones we all grew up with <gag>. What else… Oh Rey or one of her and Anakin’s mutual clones might be Anakin’s mum, Shmi.   They look alike so this is fair game… What?? They do!! Google that shit. I know, maybe Ezra turns up from wherever the hell he went, takes Rey back to the past only for Palatine to drug her and inject her with HER OWN DNA-BABY-CLONE who then grows up to be Anakin, who is then cloned to make Rey…. Jeff Goldblum pops in at the end to explain it all in simple terms, then declares he’s Kylo’s real father. You heard it here first!

Am I excited that TROS is just over a month away? Reservedly so. I got a little hyped when the return of The Emperor, Sheev (Steve to his mates) Palpatine was announced. I spent a couple of weeks wondering about the weird and wonderful ways he could come back. Then I sobered up and remembered the last two films; visually stunning, but lacking in substance and I expect more of the same.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve already bought tickets for the opening night. I’ll be there and excited as hell when I’m queuing up for those expensive sweets and the novelty TROS fizzy juice cup. Walking into the last 2 Skywalker Saga movies has been fab. Walking out after with grief and confusion? Not so much.

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