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Rant Corner: Tom Holland. NO SPOILERS. 🚫

The internet can be a treacherous place, like that time of day, typically around 8:30 am and 3:30pm when every road near any school in Britain is brought to a halt by large numbers of parents attempting to drive their enormous off-road vehicles backwards and forwards sixty-three times without turning the steering wheel in the hope that it might somehow magic the thing into the fucking space.  It is particularly treacherous when the release of a new movie or TV show is on the horizon. Not everyone can binge a whole series or catch a movie on its first day of release, thank you very much. But it never takes too long before major details and twists are revealed online often leaving your ultimate viewing experience as more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

You just need to look at the release of Spider-Man: No Way Home – to see many on social media stressing about having details spoiled for them ahead of getting the chance to see it for themselves.

To help avoid this Sony have targeting their marketing towards imploring fans to not ruin the movie for those that haven’t yet seen it.  Let’s take a little look at the Spider-Man: No Way Home – NO SPOILERS. 🚫 video that’s doing the rounds on social media and YouTube. A video so annoying, it could make a Happy Meal cry

There’s Zendaya

There’s the little old bald man that plays Spider-Man’s best friend.

There’s Jamie Fox, and of course there’s Tom Holland.

Tom Holland.

The spoiler man.

Watching Tom Holland saying “don’t spoil the movie” is like opening a packet of wafer-thin ham and experiencing the momentary, vengeful blast of foetid guff that hits you in the face.

“No spoilers” ‘Don’t be that person!’ ‘If you want to be extra safe, stop reading comments!’ ‘mute keywords!’ ‘start staying off social media today!’

Don’t be that person. (Tom Holland)

‘If you want to be extra safe, stop reading comments! (by Tom Holland)

mute keywords (Tom & Holland)

Start staying off social media today!’ (How about Tom Holland stays off social media? – or ALL media)

Let’s take a look at Tom Holland’s little list of misdemeanours.

At a San Diego Comic-Con appearance before the release of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Tom Holland said that Peter Parker would start using mechanical web shooters. Weapons-grade stupid.

While promoting Spider-Man: Homecoming, Tom Holland shared that he’d signed on for two more solo films, which had yet to be officially announced. The bar was so low, it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are with a shovel Mr Holland.

While explaining the fake scripts Marvel gives him to prevent him from revealing spoilers, Tom Holland revealed that Spider-Man would spend part of Avengers: Infinity War in space. Sir, you are impossible to underestimate.

Thinking the theatre had just watched Avengers: Infinity War, Tom Holland ran on stage and announced “I’m alive!” — spoiling Spider-Man’s death. Nice one Tom. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

Even with Benedict Cumberbatch there to monitor him, Tom Holland blurted out how the Quantum Realm from Ant-Man would play into Avengers: Endgame. You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you’d better hope they don’t die.

All the way back in 2019, Tom Holland talked about Doctor Strange’s involvement and the time rift in Spider-Man: No Way Home. Arsebasket.

Then there’s the time he appeared on BBC’s Graham Norton and told me Iron Man dies at the end of Avengers: Endgame. Anyone who ever loved you was wrong.

Oh, I’m sorry Tom, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck. Maybe next time you feel like sharing an insight into whatever drivel you end up in on your way back to Billy Elliott: The Musical you can write the spoiler on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.

Calm down, people say. So, he let out a few mild spoilers. It’s a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake. No need to be a thirteen-year old about it.

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong. I do need to be a thirteen-year-old about it. The MCU has built an empire on people like me being a thirteen-year-old about it.

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Stephen Pryde-Jarman is a Cult TV and Film journalist, award winning short story writer, playwright and screenwriter. A natural hoarder, second hand shopping fulfils his basic human need for hunter-gathering; but rummaging through a charity shop’s bric-a-brac shelf also brought him the inspiration for his novel Rubble Girl having seen a picture of a Blitz survivor sat amongst the rubble of her house with a cup and saucer. Rubble Girl has been described as " thought-provoking" and "fast paced ... with plenty of twists and turns." Amazon.

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