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Review: Fantastic 4

Before we start I would like to say that whilst I predicted this would be a big pile of “Fantastic 4” months ago – perhaps even when the first news broke – I would like to make clear that I watched with an open mind.

P.S. SPOILERS!

For the the first part of the movie I was pleasantly surprised. Lots of reviews have moaned about the pace but I liked how the chess pieces were being set out. Dan Castellaneta was a nice touch – just wish he popped up at the end with a “D’OH!” Then they hit Area 51 whoops sorry – Area 57 (?) and it all went wrong.

OK we are not calling it “The Negative Zone” it is now Planet Zero – really! Sounds much more realistic! From this point on the film descends into ridicule.

The reshoots are easy to spot, just keep an eye on Kate Mara’s hair/wig! I feel this may become a drinking game in the future!

kate

The Thing just looks awful – Ang Lee awful, Johnny Storm seems ok, and Reed Richards just comes across as he is described by a small child: “a dick!” He seems to think he is Captain Nemo (a link they shove down our throats to make sure we notice it) but lacks the fire and drive Nemo had.

Also does anyone other than Reed really get any lines?

We are just not given enough time (ironically) to scratch the surface of these characters and you feel more for Victor Von Doom. Whom by the way – nobody seems to mention or care about after they leave him on Planet Zero! No wonder he is annoyed!

Then the Fantastic 4 get used by the government Weapon X style – all awful – as just serves as a metaphor for Josh Trask to moan about not being in control of yourself. A metaphor he then had to tweet about (and later delete) to make sure we got his point.

The dialogue too is awful, and just gets worse as the film develops. What starts as “gritty” and “real” turns into lines even the Power Rangers wouldn’t use:

“His biochemistry is off the charts!”

“The end of your world… is the beginning of mine!”

Don’t get me started on the last conversation of the movie! That was straight out of Angel Grove!

Even when you take out how much this took a dump on the source material the biggest problem with this film is that it is a superhero film that doesn’t want to be a superhero film. Does it want to be indie? Does it want to be gritty? Despite some great performances from the cast, the characters lack any depth or likability. There is no chemistry. The only character that gets sympathy is the villain, we then have to have a poorly staged by the numbers set piece where Doom murders Franklin to remind us he is the bad guy (despite all the kills The Thing carried out!), and even the death of Franklin seems to have no emotional impact on the team!

Then came the climatic battle – awful idea, awful dialogue, awful cgi!

Final verdict: 2/10 Fantastically Poor – Awful idea, awful conception, the cast tried hard – but you can’t polish a  turd even with CGI! The fact Trank is now distancing himself and taking shots at Fox on twitter says it all. Note to the future – stick to the source material as that is why people liked The Fantastic 4 to begin with! Even Portishead are embarrassed!

 

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Founded Cult Faction in 2014; previously crawled out of the Black Lodge in 1976, only to find himself in the Village.

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